I thought this was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard:

When Jena Slosberg of Bedford, N.H., gave birth in March, she endured a labor that lasted 17 hours. But her discomfort was ultimately worth it, quite apart from the arrival of her daughter, Marin. In the recovery room, her husband, Paul, presented her with a pair of diamond earrings.

“I was on cloud nine,” Ms. Slosberg said. “It was the perfect present to make a frazzled, sleep-deprived, first-time mommy feel absolutely glamorous.”

She added, “I wonder what 17 hours of labor will get me next time?”

In a more innocent age, new mothers generally considered their babies to be the greatest gift imaginable. Today, they are likely to want some sort of tangible bonus as well.

This bonus goes by various names. Some call it the “baby mama gift.” Others refer to it as the “baby bauble.” But it’s most popularly known as the “push present.”

That’s “push” as in, “I the mother, having been through the wringer and pushed out this blessed event, hereby claim my reward.” Or “push” as in, “I’ve delivered something special and now I’m pushing you, my husband/boyfriend, to follow suit.”

But then later in the same article I found something even dumber:

Michelle Allen of Los Angeles originally heard about push presents from a friend who had received one. When she became pregnant, she began dropping hints. “I knew what I wanted, which is very awful,” she admitted. “But my husband is a very romantic guy.”

True to his romantic nature, Eric Allen obliged his wife with a gemstone-studded ring for each of their two children — Lara, born in July 2004, and Dashiell, in October 2006.

“I wear those rings every day,” Ms. Allen said. “They symbolize my kids. There’s something about them that’s even more weighty than my wedding band.” (emphasis added)

Both are from a New York Times article. The obligation of a husband to give his wife an expensive gift after having a child is bad enough and in many cases is probably an implicit way for the husband to buy his way out of any feelings of guilt for not taking on his share of the feeding, bathing, and diaper-changing responsibilities (the article quotes another person who says new dads should “consider performing domestic chores, hiring a cleaning service, or otherwise provide extra assistance for the new mother,” which is a great idea).

But the woman who basically says that her kids mean more to her than her husband does is even worse and is creating a situation that encourages the husband to see himself as little more than a business partner and to get his primary identity and value outside the home in his work, other relationships, etc. And instead of the kids growing up seeing a committed, equal relationship between their parents, they end up being robbed of a close relationship with their dad because he might resent them for taking away his wife and replacing him as her primary connection. All sorts of things flow out of that situation (cold, distant fathers; extramarital affairs because the husband seeks emotional and physical intimacy elsewhere since he’s not getting it at home; frazzled and frustrated mothers; divorce, and more).

Raising kids is the toughest, most time-consuming, and most physically and emotionally draining thing most people ever do, and the husband and wife both have a responsibility to commit to each other to do it together, with each other as their primary (not secondary) relationship. It’s a disservice to the kids as well as the adults to do it any other way.

My advice is to follow my example and marry up in the world to a woman who makes a huge effort and does great things to keep our relationship primary even though the others in our house vying for her attention outnumber me four to one.